Blond Bombshell
by AltoidMonkey
Summary: INTERACTIVE FIC! You want romance? You got it! You want pain? You got it! You want fluff? You got it! Etcetera, Etcetera, Etcetera! PLEASE RR!
1. Introduction

            Draco's Diary, Entry 1:

            Hello, you simpering piece of crap! 

            My, my. I started my day off quite positively, didn't I? 

My name is Draco Malfoy. And my high and holy pain-in-the-brain father's name is Lucius Malfoy. My father is rich due to our literally, "old money", and gets his kicks in torturing muggles. 

The person I dislike to the end of dislikes is Harry Potter and his oh-look-at-me-I'm-desperate-for-attention scar. I also think his friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, are the scum I find in my Nitrous shoes (best in the wizarding world) after a heavy-duty Quidditch game. My father thinks that Weasley's dad has the I.Q. level of a dead squirrel. I disagree with him. To have an I.Q. one must possess a _brain…something that all of the Weasleys (except for Fred and George…brilliant bastards) seem to lack._

My best friends are (actually hired, but that is truly beyond the point): Vincent Crabb and Gregory Goyle. Harry Potter is in Gryffindor, home of the hopeless brownnosers, and I, Draco the Grich (great -as in great-looking and rich - as in we have a bigger bank account than the Weasleys have children), am a Slytherin.

            In my first year Potter got in the Gryffindor team because of me. I took Neville's Remeberant and got on a broom so he followed me and tried to get the Remeberant, But I threw it and he CAUGHT IT! I fumed about this for so long; I seriously thought that I was going to pop a vein. Ugh, just thinking about Potty and the Weasel makes my eye twitch. ACK! There it goes again!

            _Twitch twitch twitch_

            On my second year, I got on the team by buying the team _Nimbus two thousand and ones. Then that damned mudblood had to spoil it all by being a priss and whining, "At least none of the Gryffindors __bought their way onto the team!"_

            As if.

            I so do not know what she was thinking, but let me ASSURE you that no MALFOY need ever BUY his way onto a team. Trust me, we may make generous, er, _donations, but our skill and crazy good looks are enough to make _steel_ go weak at the knees.  I only wish that Snape would let me pound that dipheaded Pothead to a pulp. _

            Now worse than Pothead is Wiener Weasel the Nine-hundredth-and-fifty-second. This dumbass is not only one of those tree-hugging, rat-loving idiots… he disgraces all pedigreed wizards everywhere by actually SUPPORTING mudbloods. 

OMG, I think I just cracked a nail. Aiyeee! It's gonna screw my manicure!!!!!!

Author's Note: I don't own Harry Potter at all.  If I did the 5th book wouldn't have sucked so much. (Sorry if you liked it.)

Tell me whatcha want! J


	2. Chapter 1

Hermione:

            I saw that bloody idiot, Fake-O Barf-boy run out of the grand hall clutching at some hideously feminine_ book_. What a true loser-at-heart. I hope he trips on his face and breaks that bloody precious nose of his that he pats incessantly and is so over-protective of. 

IT IS JUST A NOSE, MORON! 

            Dracojerk is so conceited, it makes my blood crawl. Honestly, he spends more time in front of the mirror than I do with my books. Holy Shit, that must be _quite_ an '_accomplishment_' for a boy.

Ron:

            I saw Hermione get this misty look over the Albino. Oh man, I'ma pound him if Hermione has any feelings for him, other than hatred…coz it would probably be potion induced. But she's still into that big bulky cow, Krum the wenchface. I can pull a better Wronski Feint any day, let me tell you.

            I wonder when the food's gonna appear. I really hate it when it's late. Ahhh! My stomach is grumbling! I'm gonna die!!!!!

Harry:

            Stupid Ball-less Albino Ferret Boy just stormed out of the eaters rubbing his nose like he had some type of rash. What a dumbass. You have no idea what I would give to stomp his brains out…beat the crap out of his shallow Blondie head…slam that fluffy head into a wa-…Crap. Got to calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. In, out. 

            Must repeat mantra "will not hurt human ferret".

            Wait a second… Rogiir Chartreause, Jerk-off of the Millennium, is glaring at me again. Honestly. Just because Gryffindor beat Hufflepuff _again gives the loser no right to stare-glare at me for hours upon hours! _

Gross! Chartreuse is drooling! Crap…he's coming over…

Draco:

            Hahahahahahahhaahahaha. That inane Poity Toity has a new fan! Not that I condone Potter fans. Definitely not. Actually, this time it'll be quite fun. You know why? No? I didn't think so either. 

            Chartreuse'll be hitting on Potter so aggressively by 11 p.m. that the famous Pothead'll be wishing that he was being hit by a bludger instead! Hah!! And all of it is courtesy of some potion that I made while Snape wasn't looking. Said potion was poured into Chartreuse's goblet.

            "Magical Love Potion #9." It was _painfully easy to make, although Potter and Weasley probably wouldn't be able to make it without Hermey-Herpes' help.        _

Oh. I also forgot to mention that Goyle 'accidentally' slipped some of the potion into Potter's cup, too. Woo hoo! Soon the two blazing fruits'll be locked up in some cabinet or another…gag…maybe this potion wasn't such a good idea….

            But, hey! Perfect! It's going right to plan! Potter and Chartreuse are walking towards one another. I can feel the looney tunes' love night!

            I was just about to kick back and gloat when I caught a whiff of "Eau de Stinky Half-Assed Mudblood". GAG! SNORT!!! What are purebloods to do nowadays????? This is genocide I tell you!

Hermione:

            When I saw White-as-soy Malfoy giggling, I swear, giggling like _Cameron Diaz (most girly-girl ever), I knew that something was up._

            "Greasehead, you're dead," I muttered, "Visariam!"

            Oh _joy_. I could see into Slimeball's head! It was so, so, so…shallow! He's about as deep as my 3-year old cousin's kiddie pool! 

            '_Girls, girls, girls, heh heh, poity toity is screwed…Chartreuse and  Hairy-Boy will be feeling the after effects of my love-potion any minute now…' _

Great Scotty-flecked T.P.!! What_ are Harry and Rogiir doing? _

Good Lord…why are they hugging? And kissing? Holy Kalafel! This is Code 9!

            Well, as Harry's best friend and better brain, I knew that I had to do something. I also knew, from page 647, section 52, paragraph 90, sentence 43 in Great Spells of Our Time, written by Horn E. Dog, that love spells could only be taken off by the scum that had the gall to cast them. If Malfarret didn't un-cast his spell, then let's just say that he'd be stuck un-casting his You-Know-Where. 

            "Malfoy. Out. Now, before I make your already puny manhood become the size of a raisin." 

            Ferret's face turned an interesting shade of red. Chartreuse, perhaps?? 

            "Yyy-yy-yyou wouldn't d-dd-dare m-mm-mudb-bblood!" Rake-o-Draco stuttered so bad that he looked like a chipmunk trying to grind walnuts with his teeth. 

            "Just try me bucko." His face blanched. "One wrong move and Mr. Manhood permanently becomes Mr. 'Toy for Tots'."

            "What do you want me to do???" 

Ha, I already had an edge.

            "Take the love spell off of Harry and Rogiir. NOW."

            Malformed felt up his pockets (interesting, must have been a seasoned veteran, seeing as how no one except for Pansy would do it for him) and finally produced his wand. 

            "Extractus Falsis Amour!" he mumbled.

            I could definitely see that it was my mission to bring Malferret down. Like George Washington and the Colonists, I had a big duty- to overcome the evil powers from across the ocean! 

Ron: 

            Huh...what were Harry and Rogiir doing? It couldn't have been healthy…Man, Hermione looks really, well, flattering…I can't very well say "hot", now can I?? Coz I have to watch out for her. After all, Mum said that it was my _duty to be her loyal "big brother" type fellow. __And Lavender wants me to "find Hermione a good man."_

            Crap. Here comes Lavender. On the warpath, none the less.

Malfoy:

            Dumb woman. Ruined my fun!!! How could she dare to threaten my package???

            {Duh, because she could!} 

            Who was that?

            {Your conscience, you big dumb dildo.}

            Why thank you for the compliment.

            {Idiot.} This voice was beginning to irritate me. Just who the hell did it think it was anyways??

            {Your conscience, dipshit!!}

            Oh. So?

            {Study harder and you will be able to beat that mudblood.}

            No. Studying is on the top of my THINGS I WILL NEVER DO BECAUSE I AM TOO RICH AND HOT list. 

            {Bullshit. Granger's not bad looking and she studies like there'll be no tomorrow. But you, my boy…}

            SHUT UP! Granger doesn't even equal me!! She may be somewhat good looking (I admitted grudgingly), but I'm DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS!

            Thus, I shoveled dinner into my mouth, and left, accompanied by my usual airheaded entourage of girls.

Harry:

TOUCHDOWN! Chartreuse stopped staring at me! By the way, what was going on back there?? Now, half of the Great Hall is staring at me, and some of the Gryffindors even look shell-shocked.

Hermione:

            SCORE! Chartreuse and Harry stopped…erm, making out! Now, just to get back at everyone's favorite Slime-ball…

Author: Woo hoo. If I was J.K. Rowling, do you think I'd be writing a "fanfiction"?

            Review button….You know that deep down inside you want to review…coz how else am I supposed to know what you want Draco and Hermion to do???


	3. Chapter 2

Ron: 

WTF? Hermione's getting all teary-eyed and she's grinning at the damn Albino's back! He is most definitely NOT worthy of her!! If Hermione's interested in him, then Mum would skin me alive!

Wait a minute…that's her wicked grin. 

Alright then. I guess that Lav and I can start making out.

Harry: 

Jayzus…that's a whole lot of ugly booty following the Ugly White Mouse. 

            Too bad for them that Pale Skin Boy's a LO-OOO-SER(!) who needs a microscope and tweezers to get it up! And, he spends more time primping himself than Parvati. 

Why am I being so mean?? I thought that…oh well. It's stupid Mallboy.

            Why is everyone in the whole wide-arsed Great Hal still staring at me and Chartreuse like we're some kind of AIDS virus? I swear, I'm not infected! Only Malfoy is! Stop staring at me! I hate this gawk-at-the-animal-in-the-zoo-style attention! Go buy your own friggin' lightning shaped scars, people.

Chartreuse: 

I really like this attention. Maybe I should go and buy myself a lightning shaped scar. Yeah, dude, rock on. Go me!

Great Hall:

            Were Harry and Chartreuse really kissing??? 

            (Girls) Darn. Lost another potential date.

            (Guys) My manhood still works, right??

Hermione: 

Geez. I wonder if Ron and Lavander still virgins. {Cautiously takes a peep at them and reflexively gags} Gah! The way they've been going at it…sickos.

            TOO MUCH P.D.A. (*) ALERT! Wee-o, Wee-o!

            Whatever, though. They do look adorable together…and I have a slimy, blond fish to fry.

Draco: 

Ahh, this is the LIFE! Yeah baby! Girls, girls, girls, girls…

            _[Poem courtesy of Ferret Express]_

            I got a Harem!

            Don't care about 'em!

            I can use their powder,

            Make my nose like a flower!

            So white, so fresh, and so clean, clean

            Yeah, baby! 

            Go Me!

Harry: 

'Ermione's coming over. Holy crap, she looks scarily devilish and evil. Eww, is Seamus getting off on this??  

            Great. Now Hermione looks pissed. Probably she's going to end up wanking about how me and Ron have never read "Hogwarts, a History." That damn book can go to the loo…hey…I need to go, too! Damn pumpkin juice! I really gotta go!!

Hermione: 

Harry's never read "Hogwarts, A History," has he? How horrible. Maybe I should buy Ron and him identical copies of it for Christmas. They're bound to read it then.

            What? Why did Harry go running off all of a sudden? I only meant to talk about my newest plan! The Super Sneaky Cunning Plan For White-As-Soy Malfoy's Downfall! (SSCPFWASMD) Drat. That name won't really fit on a pin, will it? Oh well. More pins for SPEW, I guess.

            Speaking of SSCPFWASMD, should I really make Harry and Ron join? Doubtless, they're going to jump at this chance to get back at Malferret, but Snape's been desperate to bust their asses…and since the Horrible Blondie is Snape's fave student, if Harry and Ron get caught then they might be expelled! 

Holy Moly. 

I couldn't allow myself to take part in that! Harry and Ron would never be able to take their N.E.W.T.'s! I wouldn't be able to see their grimaces of pain and torture in the NEWT tests! Ahh…wouldn't want to miss that for the world.

            I guess I'm going to have to go solo for SSCPFWASMD. 

Ron: 

Holy Cow! Hermione sure is complicated! One minute she looks like an evil James Bond hottie (just rented the muggle tellym-ovie, right that's how you say it?), the next she looks like a deranged patient from a mental hospital! No wonder why Harry ran for the bathroom. Must be her time of the month again.

Harry: 

Hermione's mad at me again. Great.

            Wait a second…she looks thrilled about something. More thrilled than Ron looked when we beat the Crappy Slytherin Seeker. Holy Cow. She must be really stoked about something!

            Why would a girl look thrilled??? Gah! They are so hard to figure out! {Racks brain and twitches fingers} I got it! Hermione must be going out with someone! What? She's going out with someone and she didn't tell me?? Or Ron?? Better go see if her first-ever boy-toy makes the Harry-and-Ron Big Brother cut. 

Hermione: 

"No Harry, I'm not dating anyone."

            "Really? You know that you can tell your big bro- I mean, heh, heh, best friend, anything you know."

            "OK. Harry, you asked for the truth. Well the truth is that I've been secretly having an affair with… (Harry looks in expectancy) (drum roll) Malfoy!"

            Holy crap. Where did that come from?

Harry: 

Holy Crap. Where did that come from? I'm going to pound Malfoy! He must have teamed up with Rita Skeeter and made some love potion on Hermione! 

            "Just kidding, Harry! You think my taste is that bad??" Hermione looked exceedingly worried.

            "Oh." Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God!!!!

            "He _is gay, or so I've heard. So if anything, are **you sure that ******__you're not the one going out with White-As-Soy Malfoy?"_

            "Hermione!! How could you say that?"

            "Sorry Harry, I couldn't resist."

Lavender: 

Ron…don't resist!

Hermione: 

Rat's ass. I feel so worried! More worried than I was about the OWLS! 

Where did that pure bull about dating Malfoy come from? My standards are _much higher than that! _

            When I start saying stupid crap like that, I _know_ that it's time to hit the books. Off to the library!

Draco: 

Damn that Veronica bitch. I only wanted her stupid concealer for my poor sexy nose! Why the hell is she trying to get me in her pants?

            "Sorry Veronica, not now."

            She's a frigging size 13 girl wearing size 3 pants- how am I supposed to fit in there?

            "But Drakie!"

            Okie. Nicknames like that make me sick. Maybe if I go to the library, Veronica, the Royal Bird Brain won't follow me. 

Author's Note: You tell me what you want next, readers! Please review!

(*)- Public Displays of Affection

Disclaimer: Hey I'm not J.K. Rowling…If I owned the characters (which I don't) Sirius would still be alive and making a cameo as "the Dog who bites Chartreuse".

Thanks to Wally the Walrus, EbonyRiver, Draco-Malfoy-Severus-Luna, beckie13, Hellish, and Hellash! You guys are pure inspiration!


	4. Chapter 3

Draco:

            Woo. Man, I haven't panted that hard since I saw Pamela Anderson Lee's implants! Is that a side ache I feel in my perfectly toned and tanned abdomen?

            For a girl who looks as muscular as a pile of Jell-o, that Veronica bitch sure could run.

            It's kind of demoralizing, to tell the truth. After all, I _am_ a big, buff, and **_bad _**(I think you know what kind of 'bad' I am) Quidditch player. In spite of all that conditioning to make me the stunningly handsome Calvin Klein-model-material playboy, err, I mean, boy, _Veronica the COW nearly outran me. It's truly frightening to think of what she would have done to me if she caught up…she'd make R. Kelly look like a children's saint._

            Is that a certain bookworm-y Gryffindor specimen lurking in the corner of the library? Heh heh. It's time for karma, Gangrened Granger!

Hermione:

            Urgh. Sometimes this frizzy hair is a real pain.

            Like now, for instance.

            I hastily brushed my hair out of my glasses, so that I could read the next enthralling, (I'm really serious here; this book is _amazing_) chapter of Beating up the Bully. Who knew that kung-fu could be so incredibly interesting? Now I can turn Malsoy into a ferret, _and_, here's the beautiful part, I could literally kick his ass!

            "Reading _again, Granger? No wonder why your eyes are so beady. You know, squinting has very adverse effects on your face…for example, I can already see crow's feet at the corners of-" an unusually masculine voice offered me some __exceedingly feminine tips._

            A stray wisp of sun kissed blonde hair landed smack-dab in the middle of my current paragraph. Hmm…I smell John Frieda's "beach blonde" shampoo…weelll now; it _had_ to be Draconis Pissus.

            Instinctively, my arm bent at the elbow and I elbowed him in the face.

            "Better not criticize my 'beady eye', Malferret. Coz it looks like you have a heck of a _black eye."_

Draco: 

            What did I do to deserve all this? Dear God, are you trying to ruin my damnably smoldering good looks?? I guess I'll finally have to wear that _shameful_ muggle pirate eye-mask-thingy. 

            Funny…I'll probably start a fashion.

            However, Granger was going to _pay. As soon as I get my Elizabeth Arden-lotioned-hands on some concealer, that is. _

            As I quickly and gracefully made my exit (fashion-deprived gentlemen, _please read my book Helpful Tips from the Fab Five-and Draco Malfoy), Lisario, a scarily masculine female, jumped on my back and yelled, "OVER HERE, GIRLS!!"_

            Within seconds, I swear,_ nanoseconds, I was swamped by a horde of females. Normally, I would have enjoyed the attention, but seeing as how I was trying to craftily cover up my black eye…I really didn't want __anyone to see me as I was._

            "Oh! DRACO, WE LUUURRVE YOU!!" 

            Honestly. Couldn't these girls at least _try_ to make their voices lower than 1000 decibels? And what the hell is "LUUUURRVE"? Sounds downright disgusting to me.

            "Move bitch!" a very, very aggressive redhead slapped Lisario off of my back, which gave me ten seconds of precious relief. I turned my head and was about to mutter a fervent, "Thank you!", when the redhead jumped onto my back and screamed, loud enough for my father to hear in Malfoy Manor, "DRACO IS MINE!!! MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!"

            Why, oh why, couldn't one of the hot chicks jump on my back?

            I sighed and looked out from the corner of my eye (one of the most clichéd actions in history) and saw Granger move her rather attractive-I mean, disgusting, vile, and lecherously delicious-err, not, lips. 

            "BREAK A LEG, MALFERRET! OR A SPINAL CORD!!" Her fluffy hair bounced out of sight.

            Isn't it just great to know that someone cares about me?

Hermione:

            Oh. My. Lord. I haven't laughed this hard since the third grade when the teacher gave Billy the idiot an A+ on his essay, "My Frog is Yummy".

            Tears were streaming all over my face. In fact, I laugh-cried so much that I formed a small, err, puddle…okay, okay, I'll be honest…it was more like a _lake_, of tears which caused Mrs. Norris to drag Filch to my laughing-site. 

            "Move, girl." Filch growled. That guy sure could use a bath…or twenty…

            "Grrrrooowww," Mrs. Norris purred while, umm, well, 'humping' Filch's foot.

            I laughed even more.

            "Come along, Missy…looks like she's got rabies or sommat…" Filch backed away with a look of worry on his grease-stained face.

            "Grrrooowww," Mrs. Norris repeated her "movement".

            It looked like my 'lake of laugh-tears' was going to turn into an _ocean_.

            "Missy, Missy," Filch began, warningly, "What are you doing? Missy? Are you crazy?? She'll _bite you or sommat!! Missy!!!"_

            Mrs. Norris propelled her bandy-marked splayed legs towards my head as Filch dived to stop her.

            "Missy! This student is DANGEROUS!!"

            Filch attempted to catch Mrs. Norris…but failed miserably.

            Timber! Falling Filch alert! 

            Filch landed, his eyes parallel to mine. I growled and yipped and howled, all the while baring my 'fangs'. 

            Filch's eyes widened in utter horror. 

            I laughed even harder.

Draco:

            "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! GIRLS, LOOK AT DRAKIE-POO'S BLACK EYE!"

            "POOR BABY!"

            "I'LL KISS THE PAIN AWAY, DON'T WORRY!!"

            "NOOO! I WILL!"

            "NO!!!!!! ME FIRST!"

            I used this catfight as an opportunity to sneak away from my 'admirers'. Technically, they were stalkers, but that's beyond the point, isn't it?

            "Hahahahahahaha!!! Hoo boy!!!" 

            Fragments of a deranged laugh echoed through the halls. Well, this was sure to be interesting.

            I followed the noise to its source and found one Hermione Granger lolling in a watery mess while Filch clutched to Mrs. Norris for dear life.

            Good Lord, Filch hadn't _done anything to her, right?? If he did…I felt the strangest urge to turn his slimy head into a battering ram. __No one messed with Hermy-Herpes except for _me_._

            I scooped Hermione up, as she continued with her deranged little laugh, and glared vehemently at Filch.

            "Watch out, Ferret-boy! That girl's got RABIES!" Filch positively shrieked, a la Pansy Parkinson, and tore out of the hall.

            "Are you okay, Hermione? That crazy old goon didn't…(I couldn't bring myself to say it)…_violate you, did he?"_

            Her only response was to laugh more.

            Filch's raping must have made her crazy! Nooo!! I could only torture sane people. 

            Steam started pounding from my head, like the Hogwarts train, and I chugged full speed at Filch.

            "Draco!"

            I stopped.

            "He (giggle) did (giggle) not (snort) do (weaker giggle) ANYTHING! (Choke)" Hermione's hand flew to her throat, and she assumed a look of "Oh Holy shit…"

            Well, great. I find out that she wasn't raped, and here she goes, choking, of all the things, on me!

            "Hermione! Breathe! In, out. In, out."

            Crap. She was turning blue. 

            I dragged her out of the "watery grave" and surprisingly enough, _gently_ placed her on the dry floor. Woo hoo. Now it was time to see if my CRP...wait, no...CPR…that's it (!)…training worked.

            "Go get Madame Pomfrey!" I yelled at Filch, who hurriedly exited through one of the Weasley's infamous hidden passageways.

            My, my. Did I say that Granger had crow's feet? Well, the_ mudbl-_ , damn I couldn't say it, mudborn, then, had better skin that me! Creamy as a cup of vanilla Yoplait yogurt, smooth, and soft, and…well, I had to resuscitate her, didn't I?

            I lowered my lips onto her closed ones. Sparks erupted in my head and I headily pounded air into her mouth… and maybe something else, too.

Hermione:

            What the hell is a worm doing in my mouth?? OMG, it's stupid, flippin' Malfoy's tongue!! EWWW!!!

            "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed at a smug-looking Draco.

            "I just saved your lif-" 

            Ron appeared from one of Fred and George's hidden passages and yelled, "WHAT IN TARNATION DID YOU DO?"          

            "Tarnation?" I gave Ron a quizzical look.

            He ignored me and smacked Draco's blonde head against the wall. Draco winced at the impact, rubbed his head a little, and proceeded to charge Ron.

            Testosterone. Does it ever stop?

Author:

            Okay. Finally cranked out that chapter. Sorry it took so long, guys! I was working on "Guardian of the Covenant" _and_ being hit by softballs and tennis balls…the life of a human target…

            Disclaimer: I am not, and never will be J. K. Rowling.

            Hidden_Tales: I hope you like this!

            Hellish: I love your story, girl! Thanks for the review…and I sent you that freaky e-mail back a long while ago. Did it work?

            Draco-Malfoy-Severus-Luva: Glad that you like this story!

            Gravity 747: Thanks! This still isn't nearly as interesting as your "Dead ass cat" story, though.

            Kathleen: I tried to give Draco a "major role". Hope you enjoyed it!

Alright readers! Now it's time for you to tell me where you want this to go next!


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